Throwback Episode: 19 I Failed My First Semester

In this special throwback episode, Marvette share's her story about how she failed her first semester of her PHD program and what she learned from the experience.

Follow along on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marvettelacy/

TRANSCRIPT:

Hey friends, the time has come to finish your dissertation, graduate and become doctor. Welcome to "Office Hours with Dr Lacy" where we talk about finishing your dissertation with joy and peace. Let's get started on today's episode.

My First Semester Journey:
Hi friends! So, today I'm going to be telling you a little bit about my story as a PhD student. I went to the University of Georgia in the College of Student Affairs Administration Program. Um, that is a whole other conversation about exactly what that degree means later. But um, I want to talk to you about my first semester and failing my first semester. Like, um, to say that that semester was a struggle would be a severe understatement. I was just, I wasn't doing well. Um, and I, part of the first semester was required to take our foundations in student affairs course, something like that. I'm not completely sure of the name, but it's a foundation course, right. It was a course where me, any other people that I came in with my cohort members, it was the only class that we were in together that we were not being in with any other people from the program. And so it was meant for us to be able to not only have a bond as a cohort, but to like help us ease into the program. And this course was with an instructor who had been there for a very long time. He was coming to the end of his career. Um, and we just, I just was not a fan of his teaching style and I'll say it that way and I just felt like he used the classroom as an opportunity to relive his glory days and I didn't understand why I needed to be there, to be a witness to that. Um, and everyone kept saying, you know, you just, it's just part of the process.

You just got to go, you listen to his stories, you pretend like you're interested, ask him questions, blah, blah, blah. And I just, if you know me, I've been like this my whole life. I just feel like it's a complete waste of my time. Um, and I just had no interest. Um, I was also just really struggling to make the adjustment in a new place in a new town. Um, all this stuff that came up for me, like in Undergrad as a first generation college student was also coming back up for me during that semester. So there's a lot of things of course. Um, and I really felt like despite me not being a fan of his style, that I was still trying my very best. Um, but I just didn't get it. I Dunno, it was just like, it's seemed like everyone else was speaking a different language and everybody understood what they were supposed to do in that class or in the whole program. And I just was confused. Um, so I mean I did, I felt like I did what any normal quote unquote normal first year doc student would do. I took the time to read assignments carefully. I mean, and this material is dry cause it's foundations, like history, blah, blah, blah. And I thought we were done with that from a Master's program, but clearly not. Um, I would take like notes and notes, like pages and pages and notes. I would try to think of questions to ask, but I was really like, I mean in his history it happened. It's not like we're going to cover this in the class anyway, so, but I still tried to do my best. Um, but then I would go into the class and I would be speechless.

And again, if I'm also generally not a talker, um, especially in class and in my mind, I just remember thinking now I know in the back end their excuses. But at that time I was like, oh, I would say things like, oh I'm processing and I'm just trying to take it all in. But really the truth was I was just scared. I was scared that I was gonna say the wrong thing. I didn't want to be wrong, cause it's, it's stakes, right? Like you made it all the way to this phd program and you don't want them to know that, you know, that they made a mistake. Like somebody made a mistake and letting me into the program. And so why would I show up to class and say the wrong thing and confirm that they made a mistake and then they kicked me out. It just seemed like everyone else seems so smart and ready to say something. Like everybody always seemed like they always had something to say. And I was just confused and I just felt like there was something wrong with me. And I did know like what I had that every, what I didn't have that everyone else had.

Um, and I was like, maybe it was because like some of the people in my class, they did their masters program in that same with the same faculty. And so I was like, oh, maybe they're just more comfortable. They know something I don't know. Like I kind of felt like everybody got the PhD, like Starter Guide and I missed it or something. And I just felt like, because they knew more what to expect and they already had these preexisting relationships that there was no way for me to catch up and there was nothing I could do. Um, and if for some reason I was called on in that class or you know, didn't fall asleep while he was saying the same story over and over, I would just get really anxious and I wouldn't be able to talk. It was like the words could not physically come out of my mouth and I just, I dunno, I was just at a loss and then I wanna say like the middle of the class, like this semester. I mean this is after weeks and weeks of just imposter syndrome, feeling like I suck. I didn't belong. Um, we had to do a paper assignment and the feedback that I not only got from that instructor, but that I get from my advisor was, you can't write, um, you really need to work on your writing. Um, and it's clear that like, you have a long way to go. And the instructor wanted me to meet with him about my paper. That's how bad it was, I guess. And he essentially told me that he didn't understand how I got into the program, even though he was the program coordinator. But I digress.

Um, that I honestly didn't have what it took, um, that I clearly didn't care about being the program because I never said anything in class and I didn't listen to other people when they were talking and that my writing was absolutely awful and I needed to get it together or leave. And I left that meeting like in tears because I felt like no matter how much I tried to defend myself or I have a response to him or try to explain everything that was going on, he just was cold and he just shut me down. And it just seems like he just, it seemed like he just didn't care. He didn't want to hear what I had to say. And so that meeting ended with me in a bathroom stall, completely breaking down in tears. Like I remember I also was sick, I was, had a sinus infection because of all the stress and I just remember feeling like, Yep, it's right. I need to go, I need to leave. Um, and I tried to keep going for the rest of that semester, but that semester ended with me on academic probation because even though I thought I was doing well in my other classes, apparently not, um my grades at the end of all my classes did was not a passing GPA. And I went into winter break. I went into winter break just smoking weed every day and even a jar cookie butter from trader Joe's and watching all nine seasons of army wives. I never left out of my room. I didn't talk to anybody. I was just all in my feelings, all depressed and just was feeling like completely hopeless.

Not Giving Up:
And, uh, one day a friend calls me, um, and just trying to get, like, trying to figure out like, what, what's going on with me? And he was like, I don't know who this person is right now. Like, I don't know what you're doing. I remember a person who hurt my feelings one time ago. Um, and he said, but even though my feelings were hurt, I had an increased my respect for you. Um, and so we, this friend, we used to date and I think like he came to visit me while I was an Undergrad. I was studying for something and he was trying to get my attention or trying to get me to go somewhere. And I think as I looked up to him, deadass looked up at him and was like, nothing. And no one would ever come between me and my education, not even you. So I mean, that sounds harsh, but at the moment, I mean, it is what it is. I said it and he was just saying, where is that girl? Where is that person who said that and meant that? Where did she go and why is she not fighting um, right now in this program? And so I sat back and I thought about it. I mean, I probably smoked again and watch another episode of army wives, but, um, I did, it did start to sit and I started to think about that. And then I just decided in that moment that I'm not going to quit.

Um, this is something that I've wanted, something I've said I always wanted. And even if the people in my program or in my class were smarter than me or had some sort of advantage over me, they were not going to outwork me. Something that I pride myself on, that hard work will beat talent every time. And so I made up in my mind that I was going to do it. And I did because that next semester I had a 4.0 but I do, I think it's important to talk about not the so good moments because that's what makes the journey right. And I want to talk about like what this situation taught me, right?

Lessons Learned (Lesson 1):
So number one, this situation taught me that I'm not a victim and nothing was happening to me before me. So before I told the story about all how, you know, I was so upset about this instructor and that I felt like he was doing this and this and this, but the truth of the matter, he had his PhD and he had a whole career in a field that I was trying to get into and he was teaching. And so he, whether you want to say earned the right or whatever it was his classroom and he could do whatever he wanted to. And it was my job as a student to learn from him because despite whether I agreed with him or not, or liked his style or not, he still had something that I was, that I wanted, that I didn't have. And so that meant that was still something to learn from that. And so instead of being a victim mentality of like, oh, he just doesn't like me, um, he's not talking nice to me. I could have stopped and reframed my thinking and said, what can I do? Or what am I not doing or what do I need to do to pull it together? Now I'm also not trying to make, um, I'm not trying to belittle the experience cause it was really hurtful or to say that I shouldn't have felt hurt. Yes, it was hurtful and I wish it could have been different. And at the same time you are responsible for you just like I'm responsible for me and the, it doesn't serve us or it doesn't serve me to think about, oh poor me. Look what they're doing to me. Because at the end of the day, that's not going to help me. That wasn't gonna help me become doctor. It was going to help me get my PhD. And so that is something like I carry with me continuously to this day of you're not a victim and you're not a victim. Nothing is happening to you. And maybe if you reframe that thought and said, maybe this is happening for me, because it was, that was a big part of me. Going through that and crying in the bathroom was a big part of me tapping back into something that I lost about how important this goal was for me and that I was going to have to work hard. And just because I've been smart and successful in school up to this point didn't mean that I didn't have to work in this PhD process and that the race was just getting started. So that's the first one.

Lesson 2:
The second one was, the second thing I learned was I was at fault for that first semester and I could have, it could have been different if I wanted to be, so similar to the first thing about not being a victim, I am a true believer that your life, the state of your life, what it is, how it is now is a direct reflection of the thoughts and beliefs that you have. So I believe your thoughts control your emotions, which control your actions, which determine your results in life. So if your academic experience is not going the way you want it to go is because you don't believe it's possible for people like you. I'll say it again. If you, if your experience, your academic experience is not going the way you want it to go, it's because you don't believe it's possible for people like you. I do not believe I was good enough to be in the program. I believed that I was only allowed because of a mistake or to meet some sort of quota or some sort of favor to somebody. I didn't believe I belonged. So because I thought that way constantly and I believe that way constantly. It, it made me feel like shit and that's how I showed up. So because I felt that way, I behaved that way.

So because I felt like I didn't belong when I came into the classroom, I didn't talk cause I didn't feel like I belonged there and because I didn't talk and engage and do what I needed to do inside, I didn't do well in that class. However, that next semester shows when I made a decision that it didn't matter if I belonged there and that I was going to do the work necessary. I showed up that way to do whatever was necessary and I got the results of having a 4.0 GPA for that second semester and when I decided that it was, I was going to keep going and make it no matter what it took, things changed. It was the same program! It was the same cohort members. It was the same instructor. The only thing that changed was my thoughts and my beliefs. And if you want things to be different than you need to start with your own thoughts and beliefs.

Lesson 3:
And then the third thing was self care is about self responsibility. So I desperately needed self care and I don't mean self care and uh oh like the capitalistic way of going to do the things and buy other things. So no you don't need another planner, you don't need to go and buy another outfit or whatever. If you want to do those things, fine. That's not what I mean when I say self care. To me self care is about taking responsibility for yourself. And self care is also about thinking about who you are surrounding yourself with. Are the people that you surround yourself with, are they helping you to practice self care and responsibility? Because think about if you're spending your days complaining and whining and saying, Oh, poor me. Those very people that you're talking to, the people who are actually willing to listen to that and not correct you on that, they are willing to let you continuously complain about your program or doubt yourself or make excuses. They're not they're not your real friends and or they're not winners. When I say winners, like people who are serious, people who are moving through this doctoral process with ease, they're not getting stuck on the complaining and the whining and the making excuses and the doubting, they're doing what they need to do. They're taking responsibility, they're taking care of themselves and doing what they need to do to get the results that they want.

Take responsibility:
And it's not necessarily about like caring about you or that they're mean or they're selfish. They just don't have time for the bullshit. And you obviously want to stay in the bullshit because you keep complaining and whining and doubting. You keep saying poor you. So like me. That's why I really have any friends. That's why the other people in my cohort probably didn't want to you know really talk to me. And it's not about fitting in. And what I want you to hear and this message is the more that you stay in self pity and victimhood, and do you want to complain? Instead of putting that same energy into figuring out what it is that you need to do to get the results that you want, the more you'll continue to just have results in your life. So you have to decide and commit to showing up. That is the ultimate form of self care, taking responsibility for yourself and your life. So take responsibility, take daily action and repeat because no one is coming to save you. You need to save you. So thank you for joining me on today's episode. Remember tag me on Instagram at @MarvetteLacy and let me know what your thoughts are. Until next time until next time do something to show yourself some love. I'll talk to you next week. Bye for now.