Episode 131: When Life Happens, Part 1

Show Notes:

In this week's episode, Marvette speaks with a panel of her clients from the Finish your Dissertation program about how to juggle the doctorial process when you're struggling with your personal life.  The panel discusses the importance of self care and prioritizing your mental health. 

Follow along on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marvettelacy/

Join the discussion on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/qualitativedissertationsmadesimple

Apply for the program: https://www.qualscholars.com/fyd/

Transcripts:

Dr. Lacy: 

Alright. So I am going to have y'all introduce yourself. We'll start with Dr. Monica.

 

Panelist: Dr. Monica Adderley: 

Hello everyone. My name is Dr. Monica Adderley. It still feels odd to say that I conferred my degree in may 2021 after years and years of hard work, but, um, I'm a Doctor of health education and I received my degree from At Still University. And I'm just excited to be here. And thank you so much for the invitation.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Absolutely. Thank you for being here. Who do we have next?

 

Panelist: Dr. Brandy Barnett Holloman: 

Hi everyone. I'm Dr. Brandy Barnett Holloman, doctorate of health education also from, At Still university. Um, I am the twin of Dr. Monica Adderly and we started qualitative scholars together forged our way ahead and made it to the finish line. Um, so I'm excited to speak with you all about that process.

 

Panelist: Donte Miller: 

What's up family, um, Donte Miller, I'm a PhD candidate in higher education at Indiana University. Um, been with the program for a couple of years now, um, and excited to speak about it.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Always so cool.

 

Panelist: Natasha Winston:

I'm Tasha a candidate at University of Missouri, St. Louis in St. Louis. Um, I am in the educational practice program with my emphasis in social justice. And I'm just happy to be here and ready to share these gems with ya'll because it's going to okay!

 

Panelist: Nicole Johnson: 

Hi everyone. I'm Nicole Johnson. I'm a doctoral candidate in the higher education program at Virginia tech. Also balancing a whole job as a Dean of students at a college in Baltimore. Um, been in the Qual Scholars program for this is my ninth month trying to get it done in that one year.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Mm. And you got this and got it. Um, so in the episode before this, which it was titled when life happens, I talked about, you know, yeah, we do everything possible to prepare to come into this doctoral journey and that does not stop life from happening because we decided to take on this huge goal. Um, it doesn't stop things in terms of family things, friend things, people transitioning, losing jobs, or, you know, maybe your mental health is acting up. I shared the story about, um, before being able to write my dissertation, even been started how for like eight months at just anxiety and depression took me out and having daily like panic and anxiety attacks. And I shared some things of what I learned from that experience and what could help people. I also thought it would be really helpful for people to hear other perspectives. Um, and thinking about you all's journey the past years. Y'all been through some things and you have so much wisdom that you could share with us and share what you feel comfortable. But the first question is really like, how do you handle life happening, whatever that may mean for you. So anyone can unmute themselves and talk.

 

Panelist: Dr. Brandy Barnett Holloman:

A lot of venting to a venting partner, mine of which was Monica. Um, and just getting crap off of your chest first and then trying to sit in yourself and be like, what can I control? What can't I control? And the chage, the acknowledgement doesn't happen immediately. It takes time. So, I mean, there were many sleepless nights, but I think one thing I got from this group is, um, the necessity for Black people taking care of their mental and emotional health. And we're not always told that that's okay. And it wasn't until I got with this group that people were talking about. Yeah. I went to my therapist and we talked about it. I went to my counselor and, you know, and I'm on back on my meds and I'm like, whoa. I mean, everybody seems to be like in it with taking care of themselves in terms of mental health. And because of that, I felt more comfortable and less of a stigma around taking care of your mental health and actually getting a counselor just to talk things through because dancing is cool and all, but it doesn't, you don't adopt any skills to help get beyond that point of stress and anxiety to move forward. So, um, just finally just acknowledging that Black people and mental health care is something that we need to, um, be mindful of. And that is okay, is very healthy to seek that help when you need it. Um, and this group was in central as Black scholars saying, Hey, where it's smart, but sometimes we need a little help too.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

I love that. It's making me think of, um, when I was going through my doc program, there was this podcast and I don't think they have it anymore, but they would always end every episode with call your mama, drink your water and take your medicine. And I'm like, thank you for normalizing that. So like to that point, it is a very helpful that you can have people model that because I also talked about in the last episode of how I had so much shame when the therapist was like, you need to go on Zoloft. And I'm like, what? I should be able to do this myself and how I had to work through that, um, to, to take the medicine and continue the medicine. So great point. Thank you. Anyone else?

 

Panelist: Dr. Monica Adderley:

Um, I'll echo what Brandy talked about with the managing and taking care of your mental health. Um, I've always been a worrier or worry bug, I worry too much about things I can't control and trying to control those things and it just never happened. So it makes me extremely anxious and makes me wig out. Um, and during this dissertation process, being a wife, being a mother of a toddler, working a full-time job and trying to finish a dissertation, uh, while my mom was extremely ill, almost near death, I finally, maybe I had to have all of those mountains on top of me to finally get it and say, Monica, take care of you and your mental health. So I went and talked to my primary care provider about everything that was going on. And I said, I can't control it. I can't even manage it. I don't know what else to do. So when she said she's going to prescribe XYZ for depression and anxiety, I didn't balk at the offer because I knew for many, many years I was, that's what I needed, but I was so many years too late in managing and protecting my mental health. Um, I thought to myself, if one more thing gets added to my plate in the midst of what I'm going through. Just sign me up for a straight jacket and a padded room.

I was that close to feeling like I was going to have a mental health breakdown through it all. So I didn't balk at, you know, speaking to my marriage counselor about everything that was going on. I didn't balk at, uh, taking medication for my mental health. Um, and it really helped. And like Brandy said, venting, or just talking to people, um, through the process. And this group is a group of scholars who it's like, we understand the process of going through a doctorial program and writing a dissertation that other people might not. My husband. Doesn't my husband, didn't my mom didn't my mother-in-law didn't. And no one really understood this process and the pressure of it other than my qual scholar community. So it was really good to have these like-minded people going through the same process and then helping others to advance or to heal or to process things. So it was, you know, a really pointed moment for me.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

I mean, I think it's a really amazing that like reaching out for help and right. Like you've mentioned going to your primary care physician, going to your marriage counselor, talking to family, talking to your sister, right? Like for some people even like taking that step and even telling what's going on, a lot of people feel like that's too much, that's too heavy to put out another person. Like I can be the strong one. I could be there for everyone, but to tell somebody else what I'm going through, they don't maybe it's like they don't, they wouldn't know how to help me because I'm always helping them. Or if they knew the full breadth of it, they wouldn't be able to handle it. And so I think that's amazing in itself and then being willing to follow through on the things they told you. Awesome.

 

Panelist: Donte Miller: 

I think on the flip side of that though, is, is where I fall. I don't, I, I suffer in silence, so to say, um, and being able to, to know like, like, yeah, I'm good. Like I'm very spiritual, very, very strong connection to God with God. Um, and so I talked to him a lot about whatever I'm going through. Um, I have friends, I have people that I know I can talk to. Um, and that I do, but for me it's, and I, and I don't have a counselor. I don't have a therapist. Um, although I know the power in it, you know, I have a master's in counseling and things of that sort. I just, I just don't tap into that because I feel like for me, I'm a workaholic, so I will continue to add other things to keep me busy and then just do fun things that I like to do.

Um, whether that's social media or traveling or playing 2k or whatever. Um, and using that to sort of take me out of that mindset. And so even being, um, a part of this group and Dr. Lacy just encouraging people to like take time off or to give yourself a break. Um, I feel like I do that. And then sometimes I come in and I'm wanting to, to counterbalance that with like, just doing work because I'm like, oh, I give myself too much of a break. Um, and then there's a question of, is that too much? What is too much look like who told you that too much was too much, um, being able to really be reflexive and critique your own self? Like, why are you truly doing that? Like, how can you really give yourself time to grieve? Um, like we're in a whole Panorama, a pandemic, whatever you want to call it.

 

Um, and people are dying. Um, people are experiencing death. People have family members that have died that are dying. Um, and I have, um, I've been relocated quite quite a few times, um, during the pandemic. Um, and then, you know, trying to figure out jobs and trying to figure out, you know, how life happens back at home. I'm in Indiana or I'm in Ohio, I'm in North Carolina, I'm in Georgia, I'm all over this day in country, but my family is still back at home in California and mom's situation don't change. Brothers situation, don't change. Cousins, everybody and their mama and uncle that have that connection with me. Um, they don't know what's going on. Um, they know that I'm out here grinding. They know I'm out here pushing. Um, but like I said, I'm not conversing with them about that. So being in this group, um, and then also just having my community, leaning on my community and knowing, knowing that I can lean on them and then they'll also check on me, right?

 

Like I'm not gonna, if I'm ghosting somebody going to send me a text after awhile. And that accountability is where is where you need to is where, what you need and what, what I need and where I want to go. Um, and just communicating that. And it took a while to even build that. And sometimes it's going to take a while to build that, even in this PhD process, right? Like so many times it's very, it's a very individualized process. And especially for us Greek people, we know what that looks like, um, in, in terms of this building, like a pledge process. Um, but you know, knowing that you have the power of a community, that's gonna hold you accountable. That's going to love on you. That's going to support you. And then you start to figure that out for yourself and understand how you do that for yourself, how you show up for yourself, but then also give yourself grace also give yourself love and also give yourself peace.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

I love that. I was kind of, I'm glad you brought up the in part, because I was going to say, give yourself more credit of how you intentionally build community around you. And it's so seamless. And like, it seems like almost like all of a sudden it's like, everybody is just here. Um, and for folks who are listening as a team, we will have, um, weekly meetings and we'll say like, who do we need to pay attention to? Like what's going on in the community? And the times that you have Donte has been, the topic is like, well, we know we just need to give them a space. We know how this goes. We're going to send Tash, they're gonna send a message to see if you don't get a response, then Ro you up. And we're just gonna like, keep, we're just gonna keep like calling and just, just send us an emoji or something. Um, when you do try to go ghost, um, and you are very receptive to that and you will be honest and be like, this is where I'm at, and this is what's going on. Um, and I know I made the joke earlier, like always cool, but I am glad that you allow us to see different sides of you, even though you go always be cool Donte. Tash it looked like you was going to say something.

Panelist: Natasha Winston:

Yeah, I was like, I'll pull up on that and say, I've found, but I think our relationship is, is similar because we both kind of suffer in silence. And so we good for going goes just because we have to walk away or I step away and just deal with it and come back and talk about it. I know that for me, uh, life has happened several times over, over for me throughout this process from, you know, dismissal being fired from a job, the loss of a chair. And it just seemed like man, you know, the devil had his, you know, put on my neck and what am I going to do? But it was also like back to back to back as well. And so it was like, soon as you get over something, you know, here comes something else, another blow. And it, you know, I know, um, for a time it was like, what else can she take? Right. Um, but for me with this community, and also with my village and finding that out is that I had to lean into my village. Like I know I have one, but I don't, it's not that I don't trust them. It's just that I don't trust myself to let go for others to take care of me. Like my best friend, Angie always tells me, like, let someone love on you. Let someone take care of you. You know Cause you do that for everybody else. I'm like, nah, I, you know, I, that's just not how I process. Or, you know, my uncle, you know, my uncle G, he knows me well. And just like, nah, she's not going to do that. She not, you know, she's very structured. She's very organized. And really, I just had to learn how to give myself permission to fall apart and cry and yell and scream and say, you know what it is today is not a good day to write.

We need to write, you know, you need the right, but your body, your mind is just not into it. And so really lean into my body, lean into my abilities, but then knowing that, Hey, if I can't pray for myself, I know that I have people who are willing to step in on my behalf and do it for me and lift me up. Whether it's sending me food, Twizzlers in the mail, cards, things like that. Um, just little text messages. You know, I definitely know when my chair had passed, um, you all had sent Khalia to be the messenger. Um, and just to say that to report back. So, and I do appreciate that, but it was really just having to trust myself to lean into others. And I think the biggest things that I just had to trust myself to say, it's okay to fall apart, give myself permission to say it's okay to let go and to be vulnerable, you know, and just let people see me cry and let people console me for a change. So that was the biggest thing for me when life happens,

 

Dr. Lacy: 

I was just thinking, um, maybe it's a couple of weeks ago and Ro is like updating me. And I was like, well, we know she just needs a minute. Let her be mad, let her cuss in the air, let her go to Ikea, let her buy some plants. And then we going to circle back around and just see where things are because things just a little bit rough right now, but we know they're going to work out. Um, and so just, I'm just glad to hear what you had to say today in terms of how things are going with you preparing to defend and like making it to the end of this journey.

 

Panelist: Natasha Winston: 

I know, but I think the biggest thing about that, even with this last situation, um, it was really 12 hours and we had all the right to be upset, you know, because the biggest thing is communication, but what can you do when your chair doesn't know? And they can't pass the information onto you, but then, you know, sometimes she's got to let things sit and let things happen to you, let it sit. And, you know, by the time I was ready to sit down at the computer and advocate for myself to send an email, the email was waiting on me to say it was done and it was already taken care of. So, and that's also something that I had learned too. You don't always have to respond in the moment. Sometimes you have to take a couple of days just to go ahead and respond and to get yourself together and say, you know what, let me write down my thoughts before I send this because had I sent it the day before, we probably still be looking at spring or next summer or not never, you know, so, um, but yeah, that's something I really learned.

Um, and just being open and honest with my chair, you know, just being in this space with her and, and the committee as a whole, just to be able to have a south landing and to be able to say, you know what, I don't agree with this. And it's okay. And not dealing with that it is going to be a reprimand, you know? And that really comes with letting go of past hurt and knowing that, you know, this situation, like you're not out to get me, you know, and it took me a long time to, to deal with that, you know, and you all know that, but, um, now that I'm here, it's just like, I love it here. Like it's cool, but just really giving myself permission to feel things. And that's, that's the biggest thing. Um, in this process, it's kind of hard to tell people that you don't know. Yeah, my D5 like they're like, what does the D five man, listen, you know, it's different at each institution, but it's more so about, this is the one that allows me to do my research. And if I don't get this passed, I'm stuck. Like, I'm, I'm just, I'm just gonna sit in there. You know, but only people who were in a doctoral process understand what that feeling is. So

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Thank you. Nicole, how are you? And life happening for you At least over this year, it just looked a little bit different than most on the call. But I would say, I think it's important to also talk about when things that you have been working towards start to happen. There's also a process that you have to go through to like recalibrate yourself. And a lot of people don't experience it until they they defend or they hear those congratulations doctor and people never consider that you could have a moment like that even before you get to your final defense. And that could look like something in personal life that can look like something in work. And so I am just curious. Yeah. How have you navigating life happening?

 

Panelist: Nicole Johnson:

Oh yeah. Life comes at you fast as they say, um, in the spring. Um, well, let's just start at the beginning. Like when I contemplated like first pursuing the program, I was at the point I was like, over this doc program, I wanted to quit. I was real, real close to quitting. And then you had one of the weekend workshops and I was like, okay, let me, let me see how this goes and if I can recommit myself. Um, and one of the things that was brought up was, you know, the grief that you have to mourn your program. And that's one of the things I never did acknowledge the harm that occurred to me during this program, how I felt I was used through the process, but I had to process that to be able to move forward. So that's when I decided to commit myself and I was like, okay, let's get this done.

 

Now I know what to do with those feelings. I can move forward. So as I was doing that, um, all of a sudden these professional opportunities started coming up. Not only did I have a new vice president was like, Hey, I have a plan for you, but here comes all these search firms going like, Hey, we have these vice president positions and these Dean of students that we want you to apply for. And I don't want to call it imposter syndrome. You just don't think you're ready because you haven't even thought about yourself in that space or being at that table, or you just don't think you're ready. Um, and I just went ahead and started taking a chance and doing the interviews and seeing how far ago, and I was getting to the final round. Um, but I was also pursuing things that weren't necessarily made for me and built for me. So, but they were great experiences. Cause I learned so much about what I wanted for myself professionally. Um, and so this last search was kind of like, it was one of those dream jobs that really high profile institution.

And at first I was like, this job is too big. I can't do this job. And I got to go to the on campus. It wasn't even about if it was too big, it was about, do I want to do it here? I can do this job, but do I want to? And that's a very different place to be when you're like, oh, I can do this, but do I want to do it here? And I was able to be objective and really see what I wanted. Um, and the search firm was not pleased with me when I went through from that search, I got the question, do you really want to be a vice-president? And I answered. I said, yes, but not right now. I said, everything that I have right now is in Baltimore and I enjoy it. I enjoy where I live. I enjoy where I work, who I work for. And you don't get that a lot in this work and having an amazing supervisor that supports you and sees you and values you your voice and being able also to have a personal life when you want it.

Um, and so trying to navigate that while you're not finished, when everybody tells you that you have to be finished before those opportunities come to you kind of like blew my mind. Um, but it also knew how much, you know, how I'm competitive now. What is it going to be like when I'm actually done? What are, what are those opportunities really gonna look like once I'm done? So it's been interesting this summer has given me some time to kind of professionally play. If that's, if that's the word to kind of figure out more where I wanted it to be as a professional and how to navigate that. And so now I'm ready to get back in my scholar seat and finish this out.

 

Dr. Lacy:

Love that. Um, and think about like all of you too, like yes, you have, the story is about right. The program and the people giving you the run around. And I'm trying to remember if it was Monica or Brandy. I remember where I was, I was in the parking lot of my apartment complex. One of you got the the roll up on the director of the program. And I just really, I just think about like those moments, like the lows, all the way to the highs of graduating or getting to a defense and being like, oh, this is amazing. I just love this proposal. Like it, or even like, keep, just keep going. People think like, oh, if I have something that is perceived as a good moment, that everything will be fine. I'll how to handle that. And what the shock is, especially after graduation is this like, wait a minute. Who am I now?

Like when you have these events, right? Whether it's a job search warrant or your, your chair actually gave you some like great feedback about how amazing your writing is it kind of like, you kind of go through this period and I talk about it as like grief, because I think you still have to, it's like a new identity that you have to go through, you see yourself differently and there's a transition. You just don't wake up and being like, yes, it's amazing. So I am curious whether it's Lows, high or somewhere in between. How do you all, and y'all alluded to this before, but like what words or what strategies could you give to others and how you show up to care for yourself during these periods, these transitional periods?

 

Panelist: Dr. Brandy Barnett Holloman:

I'll say, as far as finally finishing the process for seven years, your identity was I'm a student. Even if you were procrastinating, you still saw yourself as I'm a student working towards this goal. But what happens when the goal is achieved? And so that's where I'm currently finding myself, it's great to be finished, but now I'm like, I find myself and I've read about how people will have, um, a, um, uh, a moment of kind of like depression after finishing the process. And I remember reading that like, I will be celebrating and I'm going to be out drinking every day and you call me doctor, you call me doctor. But that didn't happen. I, I have, I found myself in that holding pattern where I'm like, there are things I would like to do, but I don't know if I'm still ready for it. Luckily I have had this full time job the whole time.

So I'm still employed, but what am I outside of this? What can I do with this outside of what I, what I can do minimally on the full-time job. Um, so I found myself in this rut like, okay, I'm in this much student loan debt, but what I mean, it's great. You get to call me doctor, but what am I doing with that? And we can have all of these plans about what we're going to do after we're called doctor, but what happens when those plans don't, um, kind of materialize for you immediately and what happens if you have to do extra work? Because unfortunately I made the assumption that just because you become a doctor, all of a sudden all of these doors will be open for you very quickly. And that's not the reality.

So I think what people need to come with is yes, set your goals, but also you need a, a plan B plan C plan, and even a D plan after you've finished this process. So what little can you do? And still feel like you've satisfied the obligations of all of this work and effort that you've done, whether it's starting your own LLC and doing some consulting work, just to feel like, okay, I'm getting the ball rolling. And what's the minimum that you can accept? And what's the maximum that you want and find something in between there to find your peace again. And I think that's what I was struggling with is now that I'm doctor, I need to be making six figures and blah, blah, blah, blah. That hasn't happened yet. So now I feel some type of way because student loan payments are coming up, but I'm like, that was never the promise initially.

And that was never initially the goal. So you have to remind yourself, uh, what was the goal? Why did I pursue this in the first place? Because I didn't see a lot of women of color or people of color in general, in leadership positions with doctors, it was always white people going into communities of color saying, these are your problems inform me so I can write it up and, and pretend like I'm helping you. And I was like, that was the initial plan is to be a part of the community, helping the community, giving a voice to the community, not to be six figures. And the everybody call me doctor. So sometimes we have to remind ourselves, like, why did we do do go through this whole process in the first place? It's not because we like torture, but there was a plan and a purpose and a passion that we had. So returning back to that. So I found myself trying to return back to the why I even went through this process in the first place. So I can find myself again.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Oh, it's beautiful. And it make me like, thinking about the analogy Donte said earlier about pledging, right? Like through pledging, they'll say, oh, you think this is hard, right? Wait till you cross. And then you get the let, oh, you gotta go through all these requirements and meetings. And then I got to figure this out and do this. It's the same way in this process. It's the same way you get to graduate. Like, oh, like, I'm like, that's when the work begins, but you haven't got as much energy to like really start doing the work. Um, so excellent point, um, Donte, were you were about to say?

 

Panelist: Donte Miller: 

Yeah, no, those were a bunch of gems. Um, and it just reminded, reminded me of how I always told myself to just be in the now, like I can't sit here and wonder what everybody else is doing. Um, I can't sit here and wonder about what I'm going to do, what I'm going to have kids, when I'm going to give married, when I'm, like all of those things, while those things are important to me. And I have those conversations and try to figure those things out, figure out life where I want to move, keep telling myself like, oh yeah, I got to, uh, academia wants you to go to these really weird towns in the middle of nowhere, just to take a job and say, you are assistant professor and, you know, get tenure and then go to where you want to go.

Like, no I'm going home. I'm going big city or Black and or Black. So, um, you know, just, just like, uh, Brandy said, like remembering your why. And as Dr. Lacy always asked us our selfish reason, like what is your real selfish reason? And, and on the contrary, Dr. Brandy like that is people selfish reason, uh, to, to be called Dr. And to walk around here and somebody's like, yo, I'm Dr. So-and-so. Or even to just check somebody when they say something stupid to you, especially if they don't look like us, like I'm doctor what watch your tone now. Um, but I think a lot of times we really get, um, I don't want to say complacent. I think we, we just, we just stay complacent or just stay at that level. Um, knowing like we're in this graduate program, so nothing's really changing. We, we might switch an assistantship here.

We might do this. But like, for me, like working full time and writing this dissertation has been a huge switch because I'm like, okay, this is something different. Like, although I've already been doing this work, I've already been doing programming. I've did this with BGSA, I've already supervised students and taught and did all of this, like getting these coins, like I wanted to. And, but having this next expectation has been something different. And I can appreciate that because it kind of gives me a, uh, nod into what, what that next step is gonna look like. Right. So now I'm like, yeah, I could just work these 20 hours a week in my graduate assistantship. But now like somebody's on my tail about these 40 hours. And so like, they real stringent about this. Cause they, like, we paying you to be here 40 hours. So now what does that impact with my love life or other relationships or going to the gym or cooking for myself or different things like that.

It switches my mindset, because now I'm like, well, dang, if I did start my LLC, if I did start this speaking engagement, when do I have time? Like, when am I sleeping? When am I doing this? And so, um, I think just to answer the question and really it's just to understand, like, you have to be in the now understand where you're at, understand the things that you like to do, um, have that compassion for yourself and then do things that you want to do. So then when all of those other things come about, then you're like, okay, I've done this before. And I can lean on what I've done in the past to know, like, I can still do this right now because I've done X, Y, and Z before. Uh, so being able to trust yourself and believe in yourself in that way,

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Um, I feel like we need a whole like part two, Anyone else?

 

Panelist: Natasha Winston: 

Um, it was so funny when that say, when somebody's dating, what instantly popped in my mind is Eddie B comedy. He's a teacher and so he has an Instagram, which I just watched this video the other day. He was like, you know, uh, he was like, Eddie B, what do you do for a single teacher? He said, live it, your dating window has closed. You are now in a relationship with the district and it is complicated. And that is so true. But, uh, I'm like, man, what do we do? And so already I'm getting, um, the questions about what's next and what's coming up and you know, we talked about this inside the qual scholars program and the key, you know, what do you want your life to look like? What does it feel like? What does it smell? Like? I think one time I wrote down, oh, it tastes like, know electric wine. It's smells like Jamaica, that kind of stuff right now. It's this smell like these kids.

And it feels like I'm in this moment as I think about what's up next for me, like, I'm just wanting to chill. I want to let, um, I actually had a conversation with one coach today and he was like, what's going on? And I'm like, I'm chilling. I'm just, I realized my senioritis is starting to kick in, but you know, I'm honoring rest. I'm honoring my body. I'm honoring my voice, the voice inside my head, you know, ask them, you know, what I'm doing. There's a song that I play every day by dear side is called. I ain't stressing today. So play that. But, um, for me, some of the strategies that to help me get through as I celebrate the small wins. And like Donte said honoring your now, like, you know, my new proposal title, you know, sitting down to write a narrative yesterday.

Cause I didn't write on Monday, you know, but actually being excited about that and the library librarian, he caught me laughing and I said, he said, you okay? I said, yes, I am. Okay. I have five pages. You don't know what that means, but I'm good, but really applying for graduation. But then when it comes to thinking about like, what do I want, I really just want to chill, have a doctorate degree, just kind of marinate. I'm good. I'm thankful that I have a job as a teacher, a teacher's aid. Um, and I'm good with doing that through May. You know, I may let go of my second job just so I can have that nighttime and that weekend time to myself. So I can come back to myself and come back to my body. But really I'm just cool with doing what I'm doing. You know, positions are coming, jobs are gonna come, but I really have just kind of found peace in that, like I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I'm needed where I'm at and I'm good with it. You know, being called doctor and I'm like, yeah, it may be the height for everybody else. But I had to honestly say to myself like this really wasn't for me. Like I, you know, I accepted it, what I was doing, but you know, coming into this process, I was running from something and it was like, now that I've met me, like the real Natasha, this is like, you know we could have possibly done without this? But we are already in it and we're doing it, but what's coming after. This is like, you know, is for the kids, you know, and as for myself and I'm going to benefit from it as well. But for right now, I'm just focused on just, just getting into, being able to rest and having peace.

 

Dr. Lacy:

That makes me think of something. Um, Alex and I were joking earlier, cause we were thinking of what we're going to say on Instagram for the rest of the year. And I guess there was this tweet or something going around about, um, some like when you realize like you don't need this degree, like you never needed it. Um, and I was like, yeah, that's the hard part. Especially when you're in the process of writing and you realize, oh, I'm in the job. I'm going to be that. I thought I needed a degree for, or like I knew yeah. In the middle of data collection, like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not staying in higher ed. And then I had to find a new why, which is why I always ask y'all what your why is because I was like, I don't care about people calling me doctor.

I don't care about these letters in an email signature and similar to you, Tasha became about like, I'm going to do this for the kids. I'm gonna do this for my nieces so that they know not that they have to go to school, but they know that there are more options than then what they see for where we come from, that you can do something that seems like out of the norm for everyone else who are around you, but you get to, you get to just make your own decisions. And there's a place where you just get to have peace and people underestimate the power of just I'm just at home, minding my business enjoying my peace.

 

Panelist: Natasha Winston:

Yeah. For freedom just to wake up in the morning and say, you know what? I don't want to go to this job today. Okay. Well, [inaudible] if I need to come back to the education bag. I know how to do that. You know, but at this point it's just like, I'm good

 

Dr. Lacy:

Anybody else help the people? What did they do? How did they like, how do they just make it?

 

Panelist: Dr. Brandy Barnett Holloman: 

You just make it one step at a time. One. And even if it's a little tiny baby, step one step at a time. Cause I even think about when Monica and I were. I mean, first of all, when we got into the group, you know, we were a little hesitant. Dr. Lacy Just like, yeah, no, I needed to convince you a little more. But I'm like, if all I've tried thus far, hasn't worked. How are you going to tell me this work? But it was more like taking the pressure off of myself and just taking the baby steps that I can take. So writing the shitty paragraphs and giving yourself some grace. And even when our mom got deathly ill, it's like, oh crap, like we're almost finished, but how we gonna finish. And you've got to care for a mother who the hospital has written up and are just allowing to die here in their care. It's like, how are we going to, how are we going to finish? And it's like, if you have to take a minute just to not do something and just to cry or just to pray or just to lay in your bed all day, do it, do it.

I mean, it was, it legitimately will still get done at the end of the day. If you just take those little baby steps here and there. So I can't count how many times I thought I was going to write two hours a day or read two hours a and I literally read maybe two hours in the entire week, but guess what is still got done? Um, and I had to learn how to take, I will put a lot of pressure on myself. I don't know if it's the perfectionism or something, but at some point nothing's going to be perfect. There's going to be things about your dissertation or this process you don't like. And you're like, I want to save the world, save the world later. I stopped trying to be Superman now and just be happy with the little baby steps that, um, you can take and give yourself some grace. We're the hardest on ourselves. Give yourself a little bit of grace because if you don't do it, nobody else will. And that's the one thing that if I could take anything from it is like learning how to give myself grace and being okay with not being perfect because I've never was perfect before. So why do I keep trying so hard? And my imperfection is perfect in that

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Well on that note, cause that was just sent us on home. Thank you. Thank y'all. I genuinely appreciate your sharing your wisdom today. If the people that like to connect with you, what would be the best way for them to do so

 

Panelist: Natasha Winston:

Instagram: Natasha Winston Hazel H A Z E L the letter n LOVE Hazelnlove

 

Dr. Lacy:

And all of these will be in the show notes for the people

 

Panelist: Donte Miller: 

Man it's your boy Donte Miller, man, I don't know what y'alll talk about, boy, I'm just so cool. So cool. Nah, real talk. I'm Donte Miller, DONTE. Don't forget the accent over the E Miller on everything. So holla your boy.

 

Panelist: Nicole Johnson: 

You can find me on Instagram, Notorious_NICJ712.

 

Panelist: Dr. Brandy Barnett Holloman: 

I don't remember my Instagram stuff, but you can find me on Facebook, Brandy Barnett Holoman, or email me at [email protected].

 

Panelist: Dr. Monica Adderley: 

Um, you can just reach me by email [email protected] and specifically those who are working parents with children, going through this process, come on and holler at me for real. Uh, I've been there, done that. It wasn't easy, but I got through this. If you want some nuggets of information, just in that perspective, let me know. Okay.

 

Dr. Lacy: 

Absolutely. We have that on the list of one to do a conversation around just navigating little people and keeping them alive in this process. 'cause I just feel like I would be in the bathroom somewhere. Like, you know what you gotta fend for yourself. I know you can't talk or walk, but you know, you gotta do it. Um, but again, thank y'all. Again. We will put all this information in the show notes underneath the episode, and that's going to do it for us this week. Thank you.